La Vie Est Une Chienne

i think i've figured out what my biggest pet peeve in life is: Bragging, Over confidence, and ridiculously apparent self-love.
I just think that humility is the sexiest thing in the world. Actually, i'm only saying that because i'd like it to be true. (and because i don't think i'll ever learn to brag properly sooo might as well campaign for humility and all that good stuff).
I have this young girl in my life (actually, she's my younger cousin but I tried to cover up that there was any familial relation because 1) people might realise who i'm talking about and judge me for scorning my own blood and 2) because it means i'm related to her..... and i just thought about it and "young girl in my life" sounds slightly dodgy).
anyway.... my younger cousin is a big fan of herself and the idea of 'popularity' and materialistic impressiveness. She thinks being blonde is uber cool! and brand names mean the world to her. Not to long ago she said "I'm the prettiest girl at school and all the boys have crushes on me...look at my new shoes's, they're coach". i didn't know what bothered me more, the fact that she felt it was ok to tell me how fabulous she was, or that she's 9 and has coach shoes. One of my seceret (oh ho! not so secret anymore...) passions in life is the satisfacion of not allowing people who think they're so cool to recieve the reactions they anticipated...which may theoretically make me a bitch...but it's just so gratifying...to see their vain little faces scrunch up in confusement. and so... i was torn... is it morally wrong to respond with my usual "oh...that's nice" to a 9 year old who i should be courteous to because we're practically from the same womb? i think i may have twitched with nervousness then walked away feigning dehydration.
This other girl i know is always throwing around phrases like "OMG...don't i look so cute?" and i want to vomit then ask "do you really think people will find it charming that you get a kick out of how adorable you are? NO". but you cant really say things like that out loud either....there are limits.
This is all very ironic because all my passions in life require one to have a shitload of self-confidence. I want to win an Oscar someday. but i've only admitted to about 4 people. In order to become a writer, you have to believe you're actually good at it. In order to win an Oscar you have to be a great actor, and in order to be a great actor, you got to believe you are one. therein, lies the problem. i'm terrible at admitting that i'm good at anything. I just don't want to be like all those people i critise for loving themselves so much. i don't want to be a hypocrite. and yet, i dont want to settle and continue being pre-homeless (aka and English/Theatre major) because i didn't have enough guts to submit a screenplay, or audition for my dream role.
i want to be in a musical... but i've only ever been confident enough to sing in the shower.
i want to publish a book...but i freak out and decide not to ask anyone to edit my first draft because i dont want them to think i actually think my book is good.
clearly... i'm crazy, but who isn't.
what more can i say? la vie...is, in fact, une GRAND chienne. oui.

Camille Esparza makes a mean tuna sandwitch

so it's 5:12 in the AM and i've done nothing remotely serious all day.
i talked to 3 out of my 9.6 friends. One of them took me grocery shopping via cell phone. Another exposed me to the glory that is French male figure skating. And the last one made my night, with stories about men in white vans trying to kidnap young boys, etc.
i am so shifty right now i could power Gotham City, if Gotham City ran on un-used energy.
i worked out today. hard core. i re-introduced my ex-physical therapy routine into my life and it was, in a word...PAINFUL. my bum muscles ache like Dakota Fanning in her new movie... too far?
i'm watching my roomate study for her final.
i think i have carpel, carpool? carpo tunnel syndrome. no matter, Kevin says my children will be beautiful. that makes me smile. and then laugh nervously. and then cry because...really? i'm thinking of children? maybe i should focus on meeting some nice boy first. i hear you need one of those to make children. who knew.
oh yeah... i make a mean tuna sandwitch. trust.